Advent week #3: JOY

I wrote this as part of my church's weekly Advent reflections, and thought I'd share it here too.

Psalm 146

Everything exists in pairs of opposites.

Light and dark, lost and found, love and apathy; These are a few examples of physical, conceptual, and emotional opposites that exist around us, and one can’t exist without the other. How can you know what light is without knowing about the dark? Or find something that isn’t lost? Or really recognize the experience of love for what it is without having experienced apathy before too?

Our theme of Advent this week is joy which, to me, is the feeling of overflowing happiness and pleasure. Joy, like everything else, also has an opposite: gloom. Can someone experience joy without having experienced gloom before? Yes, it’s possible, but I think those who have previously endured gloom would have a deeper appreciation and heightened experience of joy compared to those who have not had to; I also think the two experiences are proportionally related.

With that in mind, I think this might be the point of this Psalm: To those who experience gloom through betrayal, oppression, captivity, blindness, metaphorical heaviness, abandonment, or anything else, take heart and know that joy is coming because God is with you, He loves you, and He is for you. Know that God is loyal because His promises are true. Know that He will feed, free, heal, and lighten your heaviest load because He is present, active, and working in the here and now. Know that He will never abandon you because you are His beloved. Know that the gloom of today will heighten the joy of tomorrow just like the darkest skies always reveal the brightest stars. Know that the morning is coming; Joy is coming, because the King is coming.

Musing: The Parables of the Lost Things

This week I listened to a sermon preached on Luke 15: “The Parable of the Lost Sheep,” “The Parable of the Lost Coin,” and “The Parable of the Lost Son” (which I have renamed, “The Parables of the Lost Things” because this is the way my mind works). While the message focused mainly on the last parable (the Lost Son) and the importance of reconciliation in broken relationships, I had a number of additional thoughts that passed through my head as I sat there listening and after reflecting more on the passages after the fact. Here they are:

Parable Order
Early on in the message, the speaker observed that the owners in the first two parables actively went to search for their lost items (sheep and coin) whereas the father in the third parable stayed where he was when his son left home with his inheritance. I hadn’t made this connection before, but it really stuck out to me because you would think a son would be more important than a sheep or a coin, so why did Jesus make the father stay home instead of calling an amber alert and searching high and low for his son?

I think Jesus purposely ordered these parables the way He did in order to contrast the difference in cognitive capacity of each of the lost things. Sheep, while cute and fluffy, are pretty dumb and likely unable to find their way back home if they are lost; they just don’t have the capacity to. Likewise a coin…well it’s inanimate so that’s pretty self-explanatory. However, a human being does have the cognitive capacity to find their way back if they become lost…if they want to.

Interesting.

Humans not only have the cognitive capacity to find their way when they are lost, but they also have the ability to choose whether they want to go back where they started or not, which leads me to my second thought:

Was “The Son” actually what was lost?
This thought took me by surprise, but the more I reflected on it, the more unsure I became that the son was actually what was lost. I mean, both sons knew exactly they were, what they were doing, and what they wanted which doesn’t sound people who are ‘lost’ to me (just maybe people who made very poor life choices). But if the son wasn’t lost, then what was? I think what was lost was the sons’ love for their father.

Here is how it applies to the younger son (Mr. “I-gotta-get-outta-here-and-live-it-up”):

• If he loved his father he wouldn’t have wanted to leave under those circumstances. 
• If he loved his father he wouldn’t have asked for his inheritance upfront (read: Hi dad, I wish you were dead…but you’re not…but can I have my money now anyway?) 
• If he loved his father he wouldn’t have proverbially broken his father’s heart (see above). 

Likewise, here is how it applies to the older son (Mr. “I-always-do-what-I’m-told-dad-look-at-me-work-so-hard-for-you-why-aren’t-you-looking-at-me”):

• If he loved his father, he would have noticed his dad’s behaviour while his brother was gone* 
• If he loved his father, he would have responded to above by possibly staying closer to home rather than out in the fields to comfort and support his dad emotionally because of above 
• If he loved his father, he would have been so happy to see his father happy again now that his brother was back. 

With this in mind it now made sense to me why the father didn’t actively go out to find his younger son. The father’s love for this son was never in question; He willingly gave his son his inheritance even when this son was nothing but an ungrateful asshole, but despite his heartache he still hoped for his son’s return (as demonstrated by him being by the window when his son eventually showed up again). Unfortunately for the father, though his love for his younger son ran so deep, it didn’t change the fact that this son simply didn’t love him anymore. He had made his choice and the father, out of love for his son, let him go.

As for the older son, the father’s love for him was also never in question; When the son confronted his dad, his father responded he had always been with him and that everything he had was the son’s as well. I might be inferring too much here, but It almost reads as if the dad is surprised that he even had to say this at all because, to the father, it was so painfully obvious. Needless to say the older son didn’t recognize any of this and the parable ends with him being incredibly angry and resentful at his father’s reaction to his brother’s return. Ironically, I have no doubt that if he older son had come to his father with the same demands as he younger son, the father would have given him what he wanted and let him go too because he loved him the same way he loved his other son, and should the older son have returned the same way the younger one did, the father would have reacted in exactly the same way too.

It’s clear that the father loved both sons deeply and equally, and that his sons didn’t reciprocate his love, but this wasn’t because his sons couldn’t love him back but because his sons ultimately chose not to.

Cognition, Love, and Choice 
In order to make any choice you need to have the cognitive capacity to do so. There are a lot of components involved in decision making - there are pros and cons to be weighed, emotions to be taken into account, and consequences from said choice being made that need to be considered. Out of the three missing items in each of the parables (sheep, coin, human), it is obvious that the prodigal son was the only one capable of making meaningful choices.

Love is a strong emotion, but it is also a choice that needs to be made by the one doing the loving. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for the father to love people who either wished he was dead or who stuck around but really didn’t want to have anything to do with him, but he loved both of his sons anyway because he chose to. In the same way, the sons had a deeply loving father who would literally give them anything and everything, but they chose not to love him back; Their love for their father was lost. In the end, the younger son finds his way back home and somewhere between him leaving and returning home, he begins loving his father again.

We, the readers, know that the father literally welcomes this son back with open arms, but the son in the story didn’t know this would happen. There is humility and repentance present in the younger son as he walks back to his father’s home, and awareness that his return home could be catastrophic in that he might be reprimanded and possibly rejected by his own father. These real fears don’t keep him from returning home though, because ultimately the son his father back. To be near him. To be with him. His love for his father had been found.

This is why the father is described as having “compassion” for his son as he sees him coming down the road. The father understands that it was difficult for the son to return home, and recognizes the humility and repentance present in his son as he approaches him. And guess what? There was no reprimand, no rejection, just love that oozed out of the father and manifested in compassion, tears, joyful celebration, and ultimate acceptance.

Unfortunately for the older brother, at the end of the parable his love for his father still seems to be lost; there is still anger, resentment, and entitlement present in this son. Luckily for him, if and when he chooses to love his father again (once his love for his father is ‘found’), he will be met with same compassionate open arms, tears, joyful celebration, and ultimate acceptance too.

So much packed into these parables; Jesus was one badass story-teller. …..

.....
*The parable doesn’t really touch on this, but if the father was watching the road attentively for the possible return of his son and dropped everything, cried as he ran to him, and embraced him without a second thought when he finally saw him, one could infer that he wasn’t sitting around at home eating chips, laughing his head off, or singing happy songs all day.

Musings: Acknowledgement is not enough

This past sunday I listened to a great sermon on Mark 4:35-41 ("Jesus Stills the Sea" or, as it is more commonly known in the NIV, "Jesus Calms the Storm"). The speaker introduced the possibility that Mark included this passage not necessarily to tell us not what to do as believers of Christ (read: we need to have stronger faith), but to empathize with us in our weaknesses and failures as believers of Christ and to encourage us to acknowledge God's presence in the midst of our weaknesses, failures, and dark seasons of life. After all, the texts says that Jesus rebukes the storm, then seems to rebuke the disciples for their lack of faith, and the disciples are terrified; BUT throughout it all (before and after this miracle) Jesus stays with his disciples, not leaving them even if frustration came into the picture time and time again.

However, as I sat there listening to this sermon, the gears in my brain started turning and while I agree much of the message, I started to see this text in a different light building on on what the speaker said. Here are my thoughts:

The terror of the disciples:
The speaker made a great observation in that the disciples (some of them being fisherman) would have known weather patterns know that storm clouds were headed their way, but choose to follow Jesus into the boat anyway. They knew what was coming, so I think they were afraid when the fierce storm and crazy came and they all thought they were going to die (the disciples were only human), but I don't think they were terrified of the storm. I think they were terrified of Jesus. The text says that the disciples became "very much afraid" after Jesus calms the storm down and asks, "Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?" (v. 40).

Like I said before, I don't think they were terrified of the storm; I think they were terrified of Jesus. 

Their perception of Jesus:
Jesus was their teacher, their leader, their "Dai Lo," and they saw firsthand all the miracles He performed, listened to His teachings, and saw the reactions of all the people who were healed by Him. Jesus was with them, but I think to the disciples He was separate from them at the same time; He was the ultimate teacher with the ultimate power, and they were His little minions ready to do what He asked at His beck and call. They acknowledged Jesus Christ as a result of their experience of being in His literal physical presence during their time together and would have followed Him anywhere (even onto a boat headed into a storm), but it wasn't enough.

So what was missing? What was Jesus talking about when He said ""Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?" and why did this these words and Jesus' act of calming the storm terrify the disciples so much?

I think the missing piece here was trust and faith that Jesus loved them.

They obviously respected and loved Jesus, but I don't think they fully and wholeheartedly believed that He loved them back in the same way or as deeply as Jesus actually loved them (because that would have been too good to true, perhaps?). This is obviously an assumption on my part - only the disciples could really answer that for us - but I think from the text and other passages in the Bible, it is not a far-fetched assumption.

Why do I think this? Because of their reaction of terror in the text. I think they were terrified of Jesus because they were terrified of this guy who was so powerful (He literally shut that storm down with TWO WORDS) who could possibly hurt them, toss them away, or overpower them if they didn't stay in line with what He wanted them to do like the worst of the worst of dictators.

However, Jesus is not a dictator. He is Love and He loves us just as He loved those disciples. If the disciples were confident in the fact that they knew Jesus loved them, they would have seen Jesus as the Best Ally and would have felt comfort and safety in knowing He was so powerful that even weather couldn't get the best of Him. Being terrified would have been the last reaction they would have had, but they were terrified in His presence after this miracle because they lacked trust and faith that Jesus loved them

I think this is the lesson here: we need to both acknowledge God's presence and trust with our entire beings that God loves us; This is the only way our faith stands a chance.

Acknowledging God is so important, but trusting that He loves us is equally as important. It changes your whole mindset and perspective, especially in the dark valleys of life. If you acknowledge God's presence in the hard times but don't think He loves you, you will inevitably start thinking He is an unloving God whose sole purpose is to spite you or that you are doing something wrong and are being punished for not being good enough or that there is simply something wrong with you which is why God present with you but ignoring your pleas and cries for help. It's no wonder that without trusting that God loves us our faith may not stand a chance.

If you, however, acknowledge God's presence in your life in the hard times and have unwavering trust that God loves you, this changes everything. God remains your Best and Most Faithful Ally, the most Loving Being that hurts seeing you hurt, and Someone who is for you and who is working to calm the storm right down and bring you back to safety because He loves you.

He is with you, He loves you, and He is for you.

Once again, it all comes back to love. And it makes sense, because you can't acknowledge God without acknowledging His love BECAUSE HE IS LOVE. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love...

Boom.

Musings: Yet another paradox

Something was placed on my heart yesterday morning that I really want to share; it's something that blew my mind (God has the tendency to do that to me lol) but more importantly it's something I feel we need to recognize before we can truly enter into the beautiful ever-deepening cycle of Love:

We are both undeserving AND deserving of Love.

WHAT. 

I know it's hard to wrap your head around (believe me, I was floored when this was first revealed to me), but stay with me here. It's yet another parodox that makes no sense at all, but also makes complete sense at the same time (there are just so many when it comes to God, no?). Ok, let me try to explain this further...

If we really fully recognize God for who He is while seeing ourselves for who we are, I really feel that there would be no dispute re: the seemingly non-sensical statement above. I don't really feel the need to explain why we are undeserving of Love because, at least from the perspective of someone who grew up in the church, this concept has been engrained into our minds and is the general consensus in the church as a whole. Now please don't misunderstand me here; I am NOT disagreeing with this in anyway because I fully agree that we are completely undeserving of grace - after all, that is what grace is: "the free unmerited favour of God."  However, while the majority of people (including myself until literally yesterday morning) stop here, I strongly believe there is more to this than simply the first half of the statement (the 'undeserving' part). 

You see, God sees us as people of worth; This is why He came down from Heaven to live among us to show us how to live in through giving and receiving love in the purest of ways - the way love was originally designed and intended to be experienced. So for us to merely focus on the 'undeserving' half of the statement, but entirely disregard the second half would be to deny God's perspective of us: beings of worth. In His perspective, we are worthy of grace and Love so He, in turn, demonstrated His grace and Love in the deepest of ways: through Jesus Christ, God Incarnate, coming to Earth to live among us in order to show us a whole new way of living and to literally save us from ourselves. 

God sees us as people of worth so, from His perspective, we are deserving of Love. Because He sees us as people of worth He makes us worthy so, in the light of this truth, we can recognize with humility that we ARE deserving of Love. 

Why is this recognizing this important? Well, in denying the second half of the statement while focusing solely first, it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you are so undeserving of anything at all and are merely nothing but a piece of crap, and when you start thinking along these lines there is no way you can truly love yourself. 

What? Love yourself? But why is that important? After all, aren't we called to love others anyway?

Well, yes. Most definitely yes. And we can trust this to be true because it is all here in the Great Commandment: "37And He [Jesus] said to him [the guy asking what the greatest commandment was], "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. 38This is the great and foremost commandment. 39The second is like it, "You shall love your neighbour as yourself."" (Matthew 22:37-39, emphasis mine).

As yourself. Oh, how often we forget about these two beautifully important words at the end of that second commandment. Another way to rephrase this line would be, "Love your neighbour the way you love yourself." So why is loving yourself important? Because of those two beautifully important words that Jesus intentionally included here. If you're still lost, I'll break it down for you now: if you don't love yourself, you cannot love others the way we are called to love others; It's all there in verse 39, in the words that came straight from the the mouth of God Himself. 

However, not only does not loving ourselves impact our ability to love others, I also think that not loving ourselves impacts our ability to love God too. If you truly love someone, how could you completely disregard and deny their opinion? If God sees is as people of worth and we fully love God with all of our hearts, souls, and minds (as we are called to love Him in verse 37), then how could we possibly even consider denying His perspective that we are people of worth and worthy of Love?

I simply don't think we can. 

So here we are, back at the very beginning again: We are both undeserving AND deserving of Love.

Yet another paradox that makes no sense but complete sense at the same time which makes the deep and beautiful mystery of God that much greater.

Musings: Heart, Love, and Life

The word “heart” generally brings to mind two definitions: 1) a large and muscular internal organ that is responsible for circulating blood throughout the body by means of rhythmic dilation and contraction; and 2) the centre of a person’s thoughts and emotions. The first definition describes something physical while the other one describes something emotional so at first glance the two definitions seem to be define two entirely different thing. However if you go deeper and start really examining the heart of these two things (pun intended), you would see that their most important quality is the same: they are both vital for life.

As a hospital employee, I can definitely say that all sorts of emergencies happen in hospitals (thank you, Captain Obvious). As such, emergencies are coded by colour as a way to alert hospital staff in the most efficient way while also not freaking out any patients or families at the same time. For me, the biggest “emergency of emergencies” is the code blue which alerts staff that a patient is in cardiac arrest; This basically means that someone’s heart has stopped working properly due to malfunctioning electrical signals that control the rhythmic pumping of the heart (read: the heart can no longer pump blood effectively anymore). When this code is called, nurses and doctors will immediately run to the patient with a crash cart and attempt resetting the rhythm of the heart in order to restore its function because the consequences of a malfunctioning physical heart are fatal. No physical heart, no life.

In the same way, the emotional equivalent of the physical heart is just as essential for life. An emotional heart that is damaged, hardened, and/or even simply apathetic would result in an experience of life that is completely different from one that is healthy, empathetic, and compassionate; The former would be an experience likely full of disappointment, anger, bitterness, and resentment (which is no way to live), while the latter would likely be filled joy, kindness, and love (which is, really, the only way to really live life to its fullest). Just as a malfunctioning physical heart can be fatal, a malfunctioning emotional heart can also have the same consequence. I mean, can someone be alive but not be truly living? In my opinion, yes. This happens when someone is alive physically but with little to no quality of life which is deeply affected by one’s emotional state which is, in turn, directly impacted by one’s emotional heart. To put it simply: No emotional heart, no life.

Now, please don’t misunderstand me here - I am not saying that someone with a healthy emotional heart would never undergo any hardships, challenges, or difficulties. To say that would just be foolish and misleading and I think we all know life is full of ebbs and flows, high and lows - it’s just a fact of life. What I am saying is the way a person with a healthy emotional heart would respond to adversity is completely different from the way someone with a unhealthy emotional heart would respond.

Okay, now that that has been cleared up and the foundation of this musing has been established (both “hearts” are vital for life), we can move on and focus on the next thing: What is needed for someone to really live. Well, you need both the physical and emotional heart to be functioning well. We have already talked about what happens when the physical heart is functional but the emotional heart is not (the person would be alive but not truly living), but the flip side is equally as bad; If the physical heart is non-functional then the functional emotional heart would be pointless because that person would simply not be alive.

Why is this realization important? It brings to light the need to maintain our physical and emotional hearts to ensure that both are healthy and functional in order to have the best possible chance to live a life worth living. Furthermore, just like anything else, it takes work and energy to maintain these hearts of ours. Most people are aware of what nourishes and restores their physical heart (exercise, healthy eating, sleep, an active lifestyle) and so they now how to maintain it, but unfortunately most people (not all, but a lot) aren’t aware the emotional equivalent which results in neglected emotional hearts. In my opinion, the neglected emotional heart, more often than not, the cause of so many problems that can manifest themselves as both physical and/or mental illness.
So what nourishes and restores the emotional heart? How do we maintain it? The answer is simpler than you might think: love.

Love is what heals a damaged heart.
Love is what softens a hardened heart.
Love is what enables an apathetic heart to feel again.

Love nourishes, love restores.

Love is the life force of our emotional hearts. Love gives us the opportunity to live with a higher quality of life and live lives that are full and worth living.

But let’s take this musing one step further now, shall we? What exactly is love? Well, 1 John 4:8 says, “The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” (emphasis mine.) According to the Bible, God IS love, so with this in mind let’s back up and think about the nourishment and restoration of the emotional heart with the truth of the Word.

God heals damaged hearts.

God softens hardened hearts.

God enables apathetic hearts to feel again.

God nourishes, God restores.

Oh my goodness, so what on earth does this mean?

God, Himself, IS the life force of our emotional hearts and His love, Him, alone IS the key for us to be able to truly live. He makes our lives worth it. What makes everything that much more beautiful, more profound, and even more mind-blowing is the fact that He sees us all as people who are worth it. We are worthy in His eyes and He makes it possible for us to live lives that are worthy of living; This a never-ending cycle of Love that can be such a source of comfort and strength if it is recognized as such and if we allow Love to nourish, restore, and sustain our hearts.

Heart, love, and life. These three things are so intimately and intricately connected, and God is at the centre of it all. He is truly the Sustainer of Life in more ways than I could ever imagine or recognize. Praise God.

I'll be seeing you

Thanks for your smiles that lit up your whole face, your laughs that filled up a room, and your cheekiness that was just so damn endearing. You were definitely one of a kind and I will miss you dearly. Love you, Yeh Yeh.

A conversation with 3 year old K

K: *points to little bear* This is my baby.

Me: Oh, cute!

K: *points to big bear* And this is my adult. 

Me: ...

Man, I love this girl so much.

Septembers are for school again

Ever since graduating from OT school 6 years ago, Septembers haven't really meant much to me in terms of indicating anything. But this year, that has changed!

K started JK yesterday and a part of me still can't wrap my head around it. I remember being on my first mat leave and holding her while looking out the window at the kids across the street who were waiting for the school bus; I couldn't help but think about when she would eventually start school and join those kids across the street and even though she was literally only two months old at the time, my eyes literally started watering. True story, lol.

Fast forward 3.5 half years later and I'm the now mom of a school-aged child. I know she's only turning 4 this year, but to me it feels closer to 30.

Kindness

I recently saw someone I knew roughly sixteen years ago from my first "real job" in high school; he had suffered a stroke and was on he unit I was providing coverage for this week. Despite the years gone by and his stroke, he was still just as lovely and kind as I remembered him being. Before leaving the hospital on my second (and last) day covering the unit, I went to see him to disclose (to him and his wife) that I actually recognized him and remembered him from my high school days (to which he said, "Oh that's what you look familiar!") It has been a couple days since I last saw him, but I'm still running through our conversation in my mind and he is still very much in my thoughts. We may have had a brief encounter, but it was full of significance (at least from my end).

The kindness he showed to me and to others in the past left an impression on me and I hope I was able to reciprocate the same kindness back to him.

Running Adventures: Sweet Ear Candy

Going for a morning run with the orchestral/electronic/soundscape awesomeness of August Wilhelmson playing in your ears of such a great way to start to off the day. If you've never heard of him or any of his music before, do yourself a favour and check him out (no running required!).

Side note: I ran 6K straight a few of months ago, pumped my fist in the air in victory, and then proceeded to stop running altogether until a couple weeks ago. Now I can barely run 2K without a serious need to take a break (which I do), but I'm detemined to get back into it. Hopefully by the end of the summer I'll be able to run at least 5K without needing to take a break again.