heehee...so today i downloaded and watched this week's smallville (i missed it tuesday because i played for the missionfest orientation meeting worship. btw....i'm so sorry tim for us missing the second set. completely. ooops. sorry!) anyway, so it was sooooooo incredibly good. ahhhhh!!!! the plot thickens. heehee..i'm such a nerd. but i don't care. life is funner this way. and yes, i know funner isn't a "real" word. but i really don't care. :P but u know what i find even more amusin? the fact that there are 1234987345 people getting the show off me via kazaa lite at this very moment. hahaha. it's the little things that get to me...

so many people hooked. this show is so good. :)

huh??? what happened to my post? *confused* it was up here a minute ago. i did one yesterday night. oh well. *shrugs* i'll update later. when my fingers aren't so cold and slow moving. it's freezing in this room. brrrr. dress warmly everybody. i'm gonna go make myself some frothy coffee stuff. mmmm. cappucino. :d

p.s. lookit! i have a counter now. :)

thank you for everything...you're the best. i'll never forget any of it...happy valentines day. :)

on a side note: today i was playing around on justin's guitar, (the fact that i play horribly is irrelevant. hehehe) and now the fingertips of my left hand are sore. :( good thing i already had my lesson with anya today! *phew* okay. off to bed. (aren't you glad you read that useless piece of information? heehee...this is great.) alright...good night. :)

man i love these bears. they're so cute. :) i've always wanted to just see one walk by in real life. how cool would that be?! haha. i always amuse myself on the subway but imagining a cute little 3ft carebear walk by. haha. oh goodness. what would you do?! well, first i'd hug it. then i'd rub it's tummy. then i'd put it into my backpack and bring it home with me. :) yay CareBears!

anyway. back to reality.

i went to see the concerto competition today. :) Amy, if you're reading this, you played really really well! *despite what you say* don't be too hard on yourself. it's always a little different on stage because nerves become a factor. i thought that you handled everything very well. :) you deserve a pat on the back! hehehe...there's so much talent in the music program. for some of them i was just totally shocked. these little girls would go up and play these monstrous pieces! my goodness. hahaha. anyway, so i was inspired so i come back to rez and started downloading all this classical stuff. (okay, not really that much. but whatever). and yah. some classical stuff is actually really good! :) not all. but some. if u wanna download some stuff, i totally recommend, pretty much anything by Rachmaninoff (my favourite. so cool. such nice chords. what a cool guy. too bad he and his hands were so big, and i'm a little asian girl with little hands - so i can't really play much of his pieces...) and Copland (ohmigosh. he's awesome. *sigh* his stuff is great. unlike many of his fellow twentieth century composers, he uses dissonance that i appreciate. it's not all ugly sounding. i like it! great composer.) Chopin is good too...although i prefer his minor stuff rather than his major stuff. and Ravel he's good too...with cool harmonies and chords. :)

i'm no classical music expert. not at all. but i wanna get more exposed to this musical genre. i figure it will help my piano playing too. :) hahaha. like i said on my aa page (yes. i know. *hangs head in shame* i still update it from time to time. :P), i wanna play like david helfgott. it's not gonna happen. but at least i can dream.... :)

so i was just thinking...lately my blogging has been a little bit on the depressive side. that's no good. because in all honesty, God has blessed me with so much. and i've just been focusing on the not-so-great stuff. this whole week i've been trying to be thankful and content with everything that God has put on my plate. after my ranting and complaining, i think it's wise for me to remind myself of (some of) the blessings that God has so graciously bestowed upon me. :)

- family: mommy, daddy and liz

they are an awesome bunch of people. always ready to listen, give advice and give me hugs and tissues when i'm feeling all blue. also there to support me through everything. they accept me and will love me - always.
- justin
one of the closest people to me. someone who has helped me through so much. someone who has seen me happy, sad, angry, hurt - and despite everything still accepts me for who i am. he's laughed with me, wiped my tears, listened and has challenged me. thanks.
- friends: you should know who you are. :)
those who have stood beside me, challenged me, talked with me, taken time to listen, cared enough to see how i was doing...*it's very much appreciated...

because, how many times have i forgotten that despite whatever hardship i'm going through, there's someone else in the world that's going through so much more? i worry about what i'm going to eat, while others worry if they will get to eat at all. i have a family, while others are going through life totally on their own. i worry about what i'm going to wear the next day, while others don't even get the luxury of choice (of clothes).

when i come to think about it...is my friendship fiasco really worth complaining about all the time? no. it has been hard on me. it has been confusing, but it's time to be thankful. it's time to be content. :) it will be tough at times...but hopefully i'll manage...

alright....i'm so sleepy and i have a dictation tomorrow in skills. g'nite everyone! :)

u know what i realized tonight? as much as i want to and as much as i've tried, i can't walk away from my friendship fiasco. i've tried running away from it, ignoring it...nothing works. even when everything in me tells me to leave it alone...i can't. why? because it doesn't feel right. despite everything that's gone on something in me tells me to keep going. i want to tell that thing inside me to shut up, because it hurts everytime i think about it, and it seems so unfair that i have to keep trying, when it seems the other side doesn't even try at all, and yet...the voice never goes away. i've gotten different people to pray about this (thanks everyone...justin, rani, deb...and everyone else...*haha. sorry. i'm getting a little sleepy here...) and i think this may be a result of their prayers.

so...i give up trying to fight that voice. i give up trying to fight You, Lord. i'm sorry i tried to do things my way. please forgive me. comfort me. strengthen me. guide me. help me surrender this situation into Your hands. help me surrender everything to Your plan.

*this is so hard. surrendering. but possible. at least i know now, that if it doesn't work...it's because it's God's will*

OOH!!! one more thing....

happy five months j u s t i n!!! :)

what can i say other than, thank you. :)

gotta lift it up to God - i'm definitely blessed. :)

*see the smilies? this post has made me happy.*

:)

hmmm...i was thinking about this a little yesterday and i wasn't completely honest in one of my ventings. i totally forgot at the time, but during Christmas break my used-to-be-a-friend actually DID call me once. oops. sorry, it totally slipped my mind. she made smalltalk with me (which i guess was nice since knowing her, she really didn't have to)...but the phonecall was basically to ask me to burn a gilmore girls episode for her. (which i told her before i had, and would be happy to burn it for her if her other friend couldn't). well, when i did burn the episode i used a really really cheap noname CD (i figured i didn't want to waste a nice one...since it's ONE episode). it just doesn't make sense to. anyway, so i told her the next day when i gave her the CD and the situation around why i did what i did. and what did she say? and i quote:

"so then why didn't you just burn me another episode too so you could give me a better cd?" (said in a non-joking totally serious tone, while looking me straight in the eyes).

hmmm. interesting.

honestly...i look back and wonder, how could i have been so dumb?

oh well. i guess i haven't let it go completely...it's gonna be a loooooong ride. i'll get there, someday....

so wrote a song at about 3:30 this afternoon. i dunno why. i just had the urge to. some people write, but for me my most effective outlet is music. i dunno, there's just something about letting my emotions out on piano keys that really gets to me. i get lost sometimes - i get so into it, that everything becomes nothing but a blur. anyway, these are the lyrics i came up with. nothing too grand. nothing too sophisticated. just my simple thoughts. :) i sang it for my mommy (she's the only one i've sung it to...and possibly the only one i will be singing it to..haha.) and in the middle i almost started to cry. music is so personal to me. especially a song or composition that i've written. it's like a piece of me that i let everyone in on. when i played my composition, "A World of My Own" with the North York Symphony in the George Weston Hall (at the Ford Centre for the Performing Arts) i played my heart out. literally. i cried that day on stage after i had taken my bow because i gave it my all, and the response was overwhelming. as i looked out into the audience many people were crying, my family was crying, people were applauding and all of them were on their feet. that was really something. an experience i'll never forget. i can still picture everything so clearly - like it happened yesterday. i cried because i really didn't know how else to respond. that's the thing with music and me. it makes me feel so vulnerable. maybe that's why i love music so much...oops, sorry i digress - there was a point to me reliving that memory just now. oh yes, so these are the lyrics. my lyrics. this was my heart at 3 30 this afternoon.

*oh btw. there's no title. and the words may not make complete sense where they're placed...that's because without the music, a piece is missing. :P*

i feel so confused,
i can't comprehend anything
how did things turn out like this?
i tried so hard
but Lord i know there's more
that You're trying to teach me, through it all

Lord I know You're there
feeling my pain, letting me see that
You are my best friend
You cry with me, hurt with me
Lord You understand
me more than anyone else can
I need You Lord

help me to let go
it's been so long, i don't know how
help me to move on
but show Your grace, and your love
i need Your strength
so You can lead me on, and show me the way

Lord I know You're here,
Feeling my pain, letting me see that
You are my best friend
You cry with me, hurt with me
Lord You understand
me more than anyone else can
I love You Lord.

currently: waiting for my gilmore girls 311 to finish downloading so i can watch :)

God has been good to me this past week. very good. so, i have somewhere to live next year! you can't begin to imagine how relieved i'm feeling. but no worries...for all of you who are still looking, you'll find your place too. :)

house-hunting is probably one of the worst things ever. like, ever. so stressfull. especially for the inexperienced froshies like myself. it's like universities take care of you for one year then dump you on the street. imagine being dumped on the icky streets of waterloopoo. eww. ahhha. anyway, but at least it's a good learning experience. this whole week has been crazy in terms of trying to find housing. from seeing our place, to realizing we might never get it, to being all discouraged, to end up getting the place. oh man. God totally taught me a lesson - prayer works.

i've also been so blessed in terms of housemates. there's five of us living there next year...alli, erica, amy, tiff and myself. it's gonna be so jokes next year!! i get excited just thinking about it. it's amazing how everything seemed to come together in about the span of a week. girls, it's gonna be good... :) yep, us lester girls. hehehe. looking foward to it already...

God is totally in control. that's all i gotta say bout that. He has a way of piecing everything together in His own time. so like i said before, to y'all that are looking for a place next year, don't fret. it's gonna be alright. :) and i guess the same can be applied to just about anything in life. although i do know that it's much easier said than done.

update on my friendship scenario. errrrm. this weekend will be interesting. hopefully things won't be too awkward. although, i don't really plan on trying to make conversation or anything. i just don't see the point. or the need. i'm moving on. things just didn't work out. what can i say? i tried my best. and that's all i can ask of myself. that's all anyone can ask of me. God knows how hard i've tried - even if she doesn't want to acknowledge it. whatever. *shrugs* what can you do other than move on? i don't need people like that in my life. period. so i'm feeling content - i suppose it's all in how you look at it. :)

argh. gilmore girls is taking long. 20 more mins. that's what it said 25 mins ago. ahahah. crazy kazaa lite. well...at least the neverending pop-up adds are for the most part gone from my computer. haha. like i said, it's all a matter of perspective. :)

oh, and one last thing...HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!

bye mr. horsie.....hello mr. sheep... :)