A conversation with 3 year old K

K: *points to little bear* This is my baby.

Me: Oh, cute!

K: *points to big bear* And this is my adult. 

Me: ...

Man, I love this girl so much.

Septembers are for school again

Ever since graduating from OT school 6 years ago, Septembers haven't really meant much to me in terms of indicating anything. But this year, that has changed!

K started JK yesterday and a part of me still can't wrap my head around it. I remember being on my first mat leave and holding her while looking out the window at the kids across the street who were waiting for the school bus; I couldn't help but think about when she would eventually start school and join those kids across the street and even though she was literally only two months old at the time, my eyes literally started watering. True story, lol.

Fast forward 3.5 half years later and I'm the now mom of a school-aged child. I know she's only turning 4 this year, but to me it feels closer to 30.

Kindness

I recently saw someone I knew roughly sixteen years ago from my first "real job" in high school; he had suffered a stroke and was on he unit I was providing coverage for this week. Despite the years gone by and his stroke, he was still just as lovely and kind as I remembered him being. Before leaving the hospital on my second (and last) day covering the unit, I went to see him to disclose (to him and his wife) that I actually recognized him and remembered him from my high school days (to which he said, "Oh that's what you look familiar!") It has been a couple days since I last saw him, but I'm still running through our conversation in my mind and he is still very much in my thoughts. We may have had a brief encounter, but it was full of significance (at least from my end).

The kindness he showed to me and to others in the past left an impression on me and I hope I was able to reciprocate the same kindness back to him.

Running Adventures: Sweet Ear Candy

Going for a morning run with the orchestral/electronic/soundscape awesomeness of August Wilhelmson playing in your ears of such a great way to start to off the day. If you've never heard of him or any of his music before, do yourself a favour and check him out (no running required!).

Side note: I ran 6K straight a few of months ago, pumped my fist in the air in victory, and then proceeded to stop running altogether until a couple weeks ago. Now I can barely run 2K without a serious need to take a break (which I do), but I'm detemined to get back into it. Hopefully by the end of the summer I'll be able to run at least 5K without needing to take a break again.

The Secret Place

You're calling me back to the secret place,
Where there is only you and me.
Where there is stillness and oneness,
Where there is vulnerability.
You're helping me find myself again,
To view myself not as a foe but as a friend,
You're knitting me back together again.
Healing me,
Loving me,
Dwelling with me,
Redeeming me with Christ in me.
You're setting me free,
Slowly, but surely.
In the secret place.

Pain

Lean into pain
Let yourself feel it for what it is
Because only then it can be changed
Into something more
Something useful
Something you can learn from
Something that can change you
And that is when you realize
Pain is grace.

Looking for a Saviour

These lyrics are the words on my heart as I start off this new year and the more I reflect on them the more I feel like 2017 is going to be an interesting one. I'm not sure what 'interesting' will look like or even what it could even mean at this point (and in all honesty this makes this feeling a bit terrifying), but I'll keep trusting even if it's the most difficult option.

My heart echoes the words of the father found in Mark 9: "I believe; Help my unbelief!"

I abandon my addiction to the certainty of life

and my need to know everything

This illusion cannot speak, it cannot walk with me at night

as I taste life's fragility

I am looking for a saviour I can see and know and touch

One who dwells within the midst of us

May a broken God be known within the earth beneath our feet,

Let our souls behold humility

Let our souls behold humility

When our plans become the casualties of getting through the day

and we begin to know our weakness

And denial isn't strong enough to hold our fears at bay

and we can't escape our emptiness

I see the sympathy of heaven in the earth and wind and trees

I see hope within the morning sun

I am searching for meaning

I am looking for healing

I am haunted by your reflection

I was blinded by my addictions

I am torn apart by the dying

I an giving up on escaping

Will I learn to live without taking

Will I learn to see beauty in the making

I can't pretend to know

the beginning from the end

but there's beauty in the life that's given

We may bless or we may curse

every twist and every turn

will we learn to know the joy of living

Growth

I posted this earlier in the year and I recently read it again and had to stop the urge to cringe. It's hard to believe that the months since then my thoughts and heart could have changed so much, but they have and I no longer feel the same way I did before when I agreed whole heartedly with these words. I no longer believe things to be as black and white as they once were. Instead, I'm learning to be comfortable in (and even embrace) the grey. I'm reading this book right now and so far it's phenomenal. It has given me a fresh perspective on (Jesus) feminism and the words are resonating and empowering me in a big way. I feel a change happening within me and while I know I have a ways to go, I feel much more comfortable in my own skin, my own thoughts, my own doubts and questions, and my own faith. Like I said, I know I have a lot of work to do and much farther to go, but I'd say it's a good start.

Joy

The psalmist definitely knew what he was talking about:
My morning finally came and I've been filled with joy ever since. :)

Thought of the day

Redemption can be found in honesty, vulnerability, and brokenness.
He doesn't just meet us where we are, He IS where we are.