Looking for a Saviour

These lyrics are the words on my heart as I start off this new year and the more I reflect on them the more I feel like 2017 is going to be an interesting one. I'm not sure what 'interesting' will look like or even what it could even mean at this point (and in all honesty this makes this feeling a bit terrifying), but I'll keep trusting even if it's the most difficult option.

My heart echoes the words of the father found in Mark 9: "I believe; Help my unbelief!"

I abandon my addiction to the certainty of life

and my need to know everything

This illusion cannot speak, it cannot walk with me at night

as I taste life's fragility

I am looking for a saviour I can see and know and touch

One who dwells within the midst of us

May a broken God be known within the earth beneath our feet,

Let our souls behold humility

Let our souls behold humility

When our plans become the casualties of getting through the day

and we begin to know our weakness

And denial isn't strong enough to hold our fears at bay

and we can't escape our emptiness

I see the sympathy of heaven in the earth and wind and trees

I see hope within the morning sun

I am searching for meaning

I am looking for healing

I am haunted by your reflection

I was blinded by my addictions

I am torn apart by the dying

I an giving up on escaping

Will I learn to live without taking

Will I learn to see beauty in the making

I can't pretend to know

the beginning from the end

but there's beauty in the life that's given

We may bless or we may curse

every twist and every turn

will we learn to know the joy of living

Growth

I posted this earlier in the year and I recently read it again and had to stop the urge to cringe. It's hard to believe that the months since then my thoughts and heart could have changed so much, but they have and I no longer feel the same way I did before when I agreed whole heartedly with these words. I no longer believe things to be as black and white as they once were. Instead, I'm learning to be comfortable in (and even embrace) the grey. I'm reading this book right now and so far it's phenomenal. It has given me a fresh perspective on (Jesus) feminism and the words are resonating and empowering me in a big way. I feel a change happening within me and while I know I have a ways to go, I feel much more comfortable in my own skin, my own thoughts, my own doubts and questions, and my own faith. Like I said, I know I have a lot of work to do and much farther to go, but I'd say it's a good start.

Joy

The psalmist definitely knew what he was talking about:
My morning finally came and I've been filled with joy ever since. :)

Thought of the day

Redemption can be found in honesty, vulnerability, and brokenness.
He doesn't just meet us where we are, He IS where we are.

Weeping and Joy

"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5b

Three

I felt her heartbeat and her kicks before I saw her, then with flashes of pain she came forth and filled my heart with a love so fierce and strong. As I held her in my arms for the first time I looked down at her and took her in; My little ball of light, my little body of love, my little mini-me.

Then I blinked and suddenly she was three.

Happy birthday, K. :)
I love you.

Moment One

"The woman's body is made in the image of Love, from Love herself, Life herself, so she herself is of God...[it] is instrinsically good, perfectly good. Perfect from moment one." (Gungor, 2016)

As a woman, a daughter, and a mother of two daughters, this powerful blog post from Lisa Gungor really resonated with me. Beautifully written.

Running Adventures: still at it

Today I opened a bag of chips, ate way too many, and gave myself a stomachache. True story. Anyway, as a direct result of eating said chips I went for a run tonight and (for the first time in the history of forever) I ran 5k straight with no walking breaks! I felt immensely proud of myself as I walked through the front door and told J what I had accomplished. Sure it took me 37 minutes, but this just means that I ran 37 minutes straight and didn't feel like I was going to collapse on the sidewalk. I'll take it! *highfive*

This is us

Anyone watch the pilot episode for This Is Us? I did and I loved it. Interesting take on a family drama and I'm looking forward to see how things unravel from here. One episode in and it has already made me cry. Plus, Jess Milo Ventimiglia is in it so there's that too.

O is for one

Exactly one year ago yesterday, our sweet O came into the world with a healthy pair of lungs and flailing limbs. Last night, as we sat around the table and sang happy birthday to our youngest as a family of four, my heart felt so incredibly full. Thank you for giving us a reason to celebrate - we love you, O!