went to women's cell tonight. it was good! i think that deb is a great person and leader. :) dawn was sick tonight so she wasn't there.... :/ hope that she's doing okay though! the discussion topic tonight was "dating". oh, the infamous topic that comes up at least a few times over the course of high school fellowship and university fellowship cell groups. haha...it was good though! there was good insight that was put in. it was nice just to be able to sit back and talk with fellow sisters in Christ. i'm gonna try to go every week. :) *justin and alli, please make sure that i do...unless circumstances arise and there's no way*

i shared my friendship deterioration (sp?) fiasco with them during the sharing time...and it was alright. God's been giving me a sense of peace about the whole thing. it still hurts, but it happened for the better. everytime i think about it, i'm happy it happened. i learned more about myself. about my past. about others. about who my friends really are. i know God's teaching me slowly to let go. it's really hard in a sense because this friendship and this person has been a part of my life for so long...so the process is going a little slow...but it's there. and it's happening - with the help of my Heavenly Father. i definitely could not deal with this on my own. i love Him. :)

anyway, after cell group alli and i met up with justin at mel's...where we had $2 burgers, fries and a breakfast. it was nice eating with them. they're funny people...so silly... :)

the housing situation is still all up in the air. tomorrow we're gonna go see the place for the first time and hopefully we'll be able to put down a deposit or sign a contract real soon...it seems like a nice place! well...this is the view of the building and the inside from the street, while walking down lester to get to seagram and university. hahaha. but hopefully we'll be able to get it! we'd probably have a fun year next year. :) keep your finger's crossed! *crossing fingers*

nah. God is in control. i just hope that He provides this house/apartment for us. hahahah :)

thanks to everyone who msged me or talked to me to see how i was doing...james, alli, dawn, erica - it's very much appreciated. and a super big thanks to justin who was the greatest boyfriend, and more importantly a great friend, throughout this whole time - who listened to me rant, tried to cheer me up the whole day and hugged me when i needed one the most...even when i was a big jerk to him sometimes...*i'm sorry :(* thanks. :)

while right at the moment the hurt is pretty much still there, and i still get a little upset over the situation when i think about it, in time things will get better. God has a way of healing the pain with time, and a way of comforting us along the way... :)

well, today wasn't too bad i suppose. however, the worst part of it had to be me completely missing my piano lesson. this was a bad thing. and even worse because i actually practiced for it. :( between the craziness and lack of sleep, i somehow managed to totally forget i had one. i felt terrible when i went to my teacher to apologize. so glad that she's a nice one. :) but i still feel really terrible. and i like her too. *sigh*

uhmmmm....i went to dawn's place for dinner tonight. it was pretty nice! the cabbage rolls were yummy, the perogies were yummy, the shrimp was yummy...i would list the other stuff and call them yummy too...but i thought that may be a little TOO redundant. (<--spelling? it looks wierd.) everything was yummy. thanks to dawn for opening up her place!! it was nice to have a home cooked meal :)

anyway...it's getting kinda late and i just finished my assignment that's due tomorrow. i'm pretty sleepy so i'm gonna head to bed now. hope everyone has an awesome day tomorrow and hope your weeks have been great. :) one more day till the weekend!

venting: part II

okay, tonight was the last straw. in conclusion to the situation yesterday night, that totally ruined my day, it's over. i give up. so i msg this person tonight to see if we could maybe talk things out and as usual i get the superficial one word answers. hmmm. this is interesting because this is exactly what this person was complaining to me about yesterday - how people do it to this person and so on. very hypocritical. so, me - being all fed up and not wanting to take this crap anymore - rather bluntly say how i feel. this is how i said it:

for someone who complained about people not trying yesterday night...maybe you should stop focusing on other people. maybe you don't put in half the effort that other people do. ever thought of that? do you even see how people try? do you even care?

keep in mind that i'm feeling totally frustrated at this point and i honestly meant every single word i said - and if i had to do it all over again, i wouldn't change any words. i share these words because i feel that at the time, bluntness was the only way to get my point across - since my whole 2 hours of talking yesterday night did absolutely nothing to try and get this person to see the other point of view. how does this person respond?

msg #1: yeah i have...look...i'm sorrie i even shared my feelings with you....i'll know better later on...i have to get some sleep cause i'm really tired uh huh. this person really tries to talk. please. i'm not stupid.
msg #2:btw...if you think about it....if u weren't so upset at me...you probably wouldn't even be messaging me. And if we ever came back to Toronto the same time, we probably wouldn't ever talk to each other until the summer.this coming from the person that i called during the beginning of Christmas break - who never called me once. at all. on any occasion. that's fair. please note the sarcasm.

needless to say, i msged this person back - bluntly but at least i said everything that i wanted to say.

and there it is. i tried my best. that's all i have to say. this case is closed.

venting: part I

it's funny how sometimes when you try to help and talk to someone, it totally blows up in your face and gets turned around on you. i don't know how it happens. or why it does. i don't want to get into any details but... a r g h. i'm frustrated. upset. totally bewildered. i even stayed up for longer than i intended just to talk - to try to help. and now i can't even sleep and i have 8 30 class tomorrow. great. i was having a good night up until this conversation too. i'm soooooo ready to give up on this situation. it's not like the thought hasn't crossed my mind many times before. but i shouldn't. but it's so much easier to. i've never been so offended by this person before. what the hell? i didn't do anything to deserve some stuff that was said. the more i think about it, the more frustrated i become. the more i think about it the angrier i get - because i can't stop thinking about it. the more i think about it, the more it hurts. a r g h. that's all i can say and still have a clear conscience over my choice of words.

i don't want to get into details -

but i will say that i don't think that i can ever view the person the same way anymore.

sharon is not amused. not at all.

just a thought: do i understand myself?

sometimes...no.

at times i get myself frustrated, which leaves me feeling sad and lonely...if i can't even figure myself out, how can i expect others to understand me? people say that they do, but do they really? how can they when sometimes i don't even get myself?

i've got some reflecting to do. maybe i should talk to my Creator. He knows me best.

thanks to those who haven't given up on me yet.

please pray for me. this feeling is no good.

*blogged in the wee morning of january 14th - mind still working as if it's jan 13* :P

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHANNON!!! wow. twenty. i still remember all those times we had when we were younger. t w e n t y. crazy. we've come a long way...everybody has.

as much as i hate to admit it, i'm growing up - we all are. people around me are turning twenty, "young'ns" are turning 18 and are starting university next year. i'm in first year already. i'm still young to many, but getting older in the eyes of others. i remember being really little (around 6) and thinking to myself, "i wonder what i'll be like when i'm 16". well, 16 has come...and gone.

it's so easy to live in the past. i do it all the time. i love reminiscing. i love spending time and looking at pictures. i love going home and taking out the baby albums and going through them. then taking out the family vacation albums and seeing the differences in lizzie, mommy, daddy and me through the years. i love talking with my sister and just remembering what it was like "back then". the days where Liz would be just down the hall, in her room - just a yell away, instead of 123498735 miles away. even now as i'm blogging i can't help but get a little teary-eyed. those were good times. then i'd move onto the more recent pictures. pictures of Daniel camps, my baptism, more family vacations, church friends, school friends, rcm convocation, arts york grad, prom, commencement - all the memories that have become a part of me. i love soaking in the memories all over again. remembering. trying to hold on. and yet, i know i need to embrace the future, and move forward - one day at a time. my journey here isn't quite finished yet...

lalala...another day done. :) time seems to pass a little more quickly in university...maybe it's because you only have 4 month long terms - instead of the 5 months that you get high school. still not feeling too comfortable on my floor. how sad. it's been 4 months. i'll say the usual "hey" and smile, but that's about it. not that i don't like the people on my floor (because they're nice for the most part and they seem really friendly and all) but...i dunno. we just don't....click i guess. that's alright. i just do my own thing, and they can do theirs. :) but i'm really glad that amy is on my floor...yay! she's cool. my fellow Asian-music major girl. yay God for putting us both in 3-C!! *phew* and i'm sooooooo glad that justin is just one floor away. that's nice too..especially since things can get a little lonely here in waterloopoo - although it's getting better...i think i'll be staying here more weekends this term. but we'll see...depending on the whole laundry situation. hahaha. *I still don't want to do my laundry up here. don't ask why. i'm just wierd like that.* :P

anyway...it's getting pretty late...must go to sleep my eyelids are getting heavier by the second. g'nite y'all. :)

and it starts up again....

school's back. the second day of classes done...another 132098435987 more to go until the whole year is finally over. :) this term isn't too bad. i don't have philosophy on wed nights anymore, so i'll be able to go to fellowship much more regularly now...in place of philosophy i now have music history. yep. and i thought those days were over. but that's alright...it's all part of being a music student i suppose. anyway, that course isn't too bad - at least the people in the class are nice...and there are some laughs here and there. *erica, now you know how bad my chinese really is. :)* BUT...i need to do much better in history now, than i did in those stupid rcm exams. ahhaha. aiming for a mere 59.5 (for rcm to round it to 60 and pass me) just won't cut it anymore. hahaha...*sigh*

my tummy is feeling much better. :) hopefully my little episode with the stomach flu will be completely over soon. mommy and daddy took such good care of me. i love them. during christmas break i got to spend more time with them. it was nice just chillaxing with them by the fire and watching TV (they were amazed at how i never seem to get bored of trading spaces). hahaha. i also got to talk to them more. mommies have lots of insights into a lot of things. i remember when i was younger i used to think, "mommy doesn't understand what i'm going through", but i'm finding that most of the time, that's not the case at all. now i'm realizing that mommy was once 19 like me...and daddy too. :)

anyway, must do some theory reading and skills practicing. them grades need to be pulled up this term...

hope that your first days back at school, or on co-op have been going well. :)

*groan*

feels like: someone is running a truck into my belly continuously, then stopping for a litte teensy while and then coming back and ramming it into my tummy even harder. :(

too bad i don't even know the cause. virus? that's what the doctor said. i wish the pills he gave me for the pain would be a little more effective...

ack. what a great way to start the new year.

hellooooooo 2003! happy new year everyone! :)

fortunately, i was able to spend the last few days of 2002 with the people whom i love terribly - my family. :) i went down to Boston on the 27th and just got back about an hour ago. it was really fun and great to be able to see my sister again after a few months. even though she wasn't able to come up for the Christmas holidays this year it was nice to be able to see her - even if it was on her own turf.ahhaha. or terf. terph? i don't know how to spell that word. uhhmmm....on her own....land? ahaahahah. whatever. everyone knows what i was getting at anyway. :P so yah! we did lots of shopping (ahhh! excellent outlet malls and even good regular malls) and the fact that neither New Hampshire or Massachusetts has any tax on clothing didn't hurt anyone. We also went to a yogurt factory where we saw how yogurt was made, and then we got free samples. sweet deal. :) too bad i don't like yogurt all that much anymore...*sigh* we also got to visit some relatives in Handover, NH. and my "caow paw" makes the best food ever. *drool* and my "coaw gung" told me and lizzie a little bit more of our family history (on my paternal grandmother's side) and i even got to see a picture of my great-great grandfather. that was awesome. he kinda looks like my daddy, so it was really neat. but after all that we had to say good-bye to my sister again. and that was sad, as it always is. BUT...i look forward to the next time i'll be able to see her. hopefully she'll be able to come home soon...but even if we end up having to go down to Boston to see her, I wouldn't mind. i'm starting to develop quite a liking for that city. :) anyways, i'm pretty tired and groggy from having to sit in the car for like....practically 10 hours straight, so i'll have to end my blog here...

it was nice to be there with Liz, but it's nice to be home again too...

oh and justin, i missed you too. :)