sigh.

some days i wanna just lie on my bed, look at the ceiling and do nothing but listen to music. tonight is one of those nights. it's quite relaxing, until...

i remember that i have a paper due tomorrow, readings to do/catch up on, concerto competition final on friday, a test to do by friday, things to worry about, and a whole crapload of thoughts running through my brain.

believe you me, i'm not complaining. honest. :) it just feels as though many things are happening at once, and some days it's hard to really figure out what my real thoughts about everything are, u know?
___________________________________

something that caught my eye:

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil." - Psalm 37:5-8

oh to be able to do this, and to do it well...

brahms and me.

(it's like mcgee and me, only...not. at all. :P)

phew, today has been a long day. the concerto competitions were held from 2:30 until maybe around 6ish or so. maybe even later. the pianos were up first at the maureen forrester recital hall, and i was scheduled to play last for the piano section of the competition. generally i think it went pretty well - it could have been better but then again it could have been a lot worse too. :P i made my mistakes but i didn't have any memory lapses, and that was what i was most scared for. :S but yah. all the time i invested into learning and practicing this song really boiled down to the 6mins of today's preliminary round. i think that's what put the most pressure on me today. nevertheless, it was a great experience, and i'm glad that i went through with it. ah, the journey of brahms and i.

one crazy ride:

from refusing to enter the concerto competition in first year and second year, to finally (reluctantly) agreeing to do it this year, to deciding on a piece and picking up the score for my concerto (Brahms, Concerto No. 1, Op. 15, finale) for the first time in early-mid november, to putting all other repertoire on hold to focus on this piece, to the initial stages of actually learning the music and sometimes wanting to throw the score out the window due to frustration and doubt, to learning the notes better and loving the music more, to practicing this piece on my own over Christmas break, to coming back to find that my teacher had the chicken pox, to having my first lesson after the break on monday (jan. 17), to deciding that day to enter the concerto competition, to practicing A LOT (by my standards anyway :P) this week, to more doubts and frustrations, to loving the music even more and more, to actually playing in the competition (which was today, jan. 21), to finding out that i made it to the finals...it's been quite the crazy ride for me and my concerto. :)

all praise, glory, honour and recognition must go to the One who deserves every last bit of these things, God. He is soooo good.

thanks to everyone who gave me words of encouragement, prayed for me, and came out to see me play today - i really appreciate it. in fact, i really appreciate you guys. :)

so now, i'm excited to share the rest of my concerto with everyone now that the 6min time restraint doesn't apply to the finals and i can play the whole thing. this piece is so beautiful, (brahms is definitely one of my favourite composers...his rhapsodies are really nice too...) i just hope that i don't mess it up. :S

good grief, i think that it's back to the practice rooms for me. take it easy everyone. :)

from protest to praise.

downhere is so good. lately it seems that i've been listening to their older stuff nonstop. everything just seems to apply so well, and their lyrics...well they're just really great, hence the quoting of two different songs, in two consecutive blogs. (teehee.) :P check out their site, they've got some good new stuff too. and they're canadian. wooooot. :)

"...i'm wrestling my thoughts, i'm overcome
would you give me up i'm asking Lord,
there's no where i sense Your presence here
so i will cry out, until i go

from protest to praise,
You're always amazing me
You're changing me slow, but surely
And You're gonna see me to the end." - protest to praise

ahh, comfort food for my ears, for my heart. i love these lyrics. i love this song. i love Him.

Great are You, Lord.

thanks to those whom God has used to really speak to me and comfort me. my family, justin, my good friends...your love, support and prayers have really meant so much. i feel so blessed that God has put such awesome people in my life. i'm soooo thankful for you guys. really, I am. :)

yesterday night, in the quietness of my room, in the stillness of the early morning, He spoke to me directly. in fact, it was so clear that He seemed to be screaming these words at me. it was just was i needed to hear. i started reading james again (thanks jer!) and this is what i read last night:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4

the past week has been hard but perhaps this is the answer that i have been searching for. perhaps this is what He is teaching me through all this...a lesson in faith.

things won't ever be the same, but i'll be stronger because of everything that has happened. thanks Father. my God, our God, is so big, so awesome, so good.

"...How I love Your Word
My God, My King
How I love Your Word
My God, My King

Your love cuts through these pages to my heart
As you grieve our sins, right from the start
And sacrifice and paradise are in
The plans that you made, The plans that you made

Because I'll never hold the picture
Of the whole horizon in my view
Because I'll never rip the night in two
It makes me wonder
Who am I, Who am I, Who am I
And great are You
Great are You Lord." - Downhere

1..2..3..cheeeeeese!

oh gosh that title was cheesy. get it? cheeeeese-y. hahahahah. oh goodness. somebody stop me. (didja like that kary?) haha. anyway...moving on. :P

so there's nothing like looking at pictures and remembering good times when you're upset and pissed off beyond belief. though the relief may be only temporary, it still makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. :) here are some pictures from over my Christmas break! i spent the majority of it doing family stuff, (so many dinners it was insane), but it was great getting to know my cousins better...and it was fun!!! turns out, i have hilarious cousins!! hahahahha ;)

alright, here they are. :)

1. sharon, danielle, edward, betty and liz
2. "team 1": maxine and liz
3. "team 2": sharon and andre
4. "team 3": lisa and lydia
(we were playing CSI the boardgame. hahaha. we are so cool. although, that game is totally not meant for 13 yr olds. it was so complicated. :P)
5. liz and sharon
6. all the cousins on my mom's side, minus one.
7. andre, maxine, liz and lisa (andre is so fobby. hahaha)
8. sharon, danielle, lisa (we took danielle skating at nathan phillip's square downtown, and we all had a lot of fun. can u tell she lives in california? hahha. she's so dark compared to us! hahaha)

third year, second term.

it's hard to believe that we're already starting second term. time flies.

this year i've definitely changed some things in my life. i've put more things into perspective and have gotten my priorities straighter than before, and so far it seems to have helped a lot. last term was a successful one in terms of school (my best one in all my terms here at laurier) despite it being the busiest with my seven courses, music therapy placement, and work (so glad i'm not working this term.) although i'm still waiting on two of my grades, i'm completely satisfied with the marks that have come in so far, which is definitely a first.

in terms of the other parts of life, it has definitely been an interesting ride. at times it's been really rough and incredibly hard, but i've been blessed with some awesome people in my life. i've been fortunate in terms of being able to cultivate, develop and strengthen friendships with great people - i think that i have a better picture of those i can count on, those i can trust, and those i simply cannot and would rather keep my distance from. i definitely cherish the aforementioned group of people and their friendship. :)

as i look back and reflect, i cannot help but see how good God has to me so far this year. while He continues to stretch me through my experiences, and test me through circumstances, i know that He has everything under control. i know He knows exactly what is going on. i just need to keep that in mind no matter what.

so, as i write this blog entry in the early morning before the first day of school in 2005, here's a toast to the start of another term. oh, and one last thing: happy new year. :) kampai! *clink*

i miss home.

note: this is an incredibly honest blog, as it depicts (pretty accurately) how i'm feeling right now. read at your own risk.

there are a million things that i can say right now about what happened, about you even. there are a million things that are itching to burst out of my mouth, but no. i refuse to stoop down to your level.

it's over. no more will you have the control to make my life hell. as of yesterday night i wash my hands of you. both of you.

________________________________________

mariah carey | can't take that away

They can say anything they want to say
Try to bring me down
But I will not allow
Anyone to succeed
Hanging clouds over me
And they can try hard to make me feel
That I don't matter at all
But I refuse to falter
In what I believe
Or lose faith in my dreams

'Cause there's a light in me
That shines brightly
They can try
But they can't take that away from me
From me

They can do anything they want to you
lf you let them in
But they won't ever win
If you cling to your pride
And just push them aside
See I have learned there's an inner peace I own
Something in my soul
That they cannot possess
So I won't be afraid
And darkness will fade

'Cause there's a light in me
That shines brightly
They can try
But they can't take that away from me

No They can't take this
Precious love I'll always have inside me
Certainly the Lord will guide me
Where I need to go

They can say anything they want to say
Try to break me down
But 1 won't face the ground
I will rise steadily
Sailing out of their reach

Oh Lord
They do try hard to make me feel
That I don't matter at all
But I refuse to falter
In what I believe
Or lose faith in my dreams

'Cause there's a light in me that shines brightly
They can try
But they can't take that away from me
From me

oh Lord...

...have mercy on them.

though we do not understand, let us have faith in Your sovereign and perfect plan.