Growth

I posted this earlier in the year and I recently read it again and had to stop the urge to cringe. It's hard to believe that the months since then my thoughts and heart could have changed so much, but they have and I no longer feel the same way I did before when I agreed whole heartedly with these words. I no longer believe things to be as black and white as they once were. Instead, I'm learning to be comfortable in (and even embrace) the grey. I'm reading this book right now and so far it's phenomenal. It has given me a fresh perspective on (Jesus) feminism and the words are resonating and empowering me in a big way. I feel a change happening within me and while I know I have a ways to go, I feel much more comfortable in my own skin, my own thoughts, my own doubts and questions, and my own faith. Like I said, I know I have a lot of work to do and much farther to go, but I'd say it's a good start.

Joy

The psalmist definitely knew what he was talking about:
My morning finally came and I've been filled with joy ever since. :)

Thought of the day

Redemption can be found in honesty, vulnerability, and brokenness.
He doesn't just meet us where we are, He IS where we are.

Weeping and Joy

"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5b

Three

I felt her heartbeat and her kicks before I saw her, then with flashes of pain she came forth and filled my heart with a love so fierce and strong. As I held her in my arms for the first time I looked down at her and took her in; My little ball of light, my little body of love, my little mini-me.

Then I blinked and suddenly she was three.

Happy birthday, K. :)
I love you.

Moment One

"The woman's body is made in the image of Love, from Love herself, Life herself, so she herself is of God...[it] is instrinsically good, perfectly good. Perfect from moment one." (Gungor, 2016)

As a woman, a daughter, and a mother of two daughters, this powerful blog post from Lisa Gungor really resonated with me. Beautifully written.

Running Adventures: still at it

Today I opened a bag of chips, ate way too many, and gave myself a stomachache. True story. Anyway, as a direct result of eating said chips I went for a run tonight and (for the first time in the history of forever) I ran 5k straight with no walking breaks! I felt immensely proud of myself as I walked through the front door and told J what I had accomplished. Sure it took me 37 minutes, but this just means that I ran 37 minutes straight and didn't feel like I was going to collapse on the sidewalk. I'll take it! *highfive*

This is us

Anyone watch the pilot episode for This Is Us? I did and I loved it. Interesting take on a family drama and I'm looking forward to see how things unravel from here. One episode in and it has already made me cry. Plus, Jess Milo Ventimiglia is in it so there's that too.

O is for one

Exactly one year ago yesterday, our sweet O came into the world with a healthy pair of lungs and flailing limbs. Last night, as we sat around the table and sang happy birthday to our youngest as a family of four, my heart felt so incredibly full. Thank you for giving us a reason to celebrate - we love you, O!

Book Nook: The Fault In Our Stars

The Fault In Our Stars
John Green

I've been on a reading splurge lately. I've read five books in the last month or two and it's been really nice getting my read on. Of the five, two were awesome, one was great, one was ok, and one was...no.  (Don't bother reading The Girl On The Train, it's just awful.)

The Fault In Our Stars fell into the awesome category.

The plot centres around the protagonist, Hazel (a 16yo female with metastatic thyroid cancer which has spread to her lungs) and the relationship she develops with Augustus Waters (a 17yo male with osteosarcoma and, as a result, one prosthetic leg). The book explores themes of life and dying, living with an illness, and love in the midst of all that in a way that makes everything seem lighter than it actually is. You can't help but connect with the characters throughout the whole book (love Augustus) and once I was finished I couldn't stop thinking about them either. If that isn't a sign of a good book, I'm not sure what is.

It's an easy read (young adult fiction ftw) but a worthwhile one. Definitely recommend. 5/5.

Carla

When I was seventeen I spent about a week on a native reserve in BC and while I was there I met the sweetest little girl, Carla. She must have been about 6 or 7 back then and had one of those contagious smiles that light up your whole face. I distinctly remember hearing her shout, "Shaaaarrrronnnnnn!" while running down the road towards me one morning with the hugest smile on her face; That was one of the best moments. I had never been on anything like that trip before - I remember feeling so much joy while I was there and literally cried on the plane home.

This morning, fifteen years later, K picked up my photo album and handed it to me saying, "Read this please," probably thinking it was a book. As I looked through the pictures I couldn't help but linger on a few of them, remembering and attempting to put the fuzzier memories into focus. It's been a long time since I've thought about that trip and the kids there that are now fifteen years older, and I can't help but wonder where they are and who they have become. They were all innocent little kids growing up in a harsh environment where they were at a disadvantage right from the start. My memories of them are hazy now, but Carla sticks out for me and I hope with all my heart that she is thriving. I really hope this for all of them.

Exit Seeking

I feel like I've been stuck in a hole that I can't get out of lately. Hopefully I'll find my way out soon.

Book Nook: The Magicians

The Magicians
Lev Grossman

I had high hopes for this book; According to this random book recommendation list I stumbled across on the internet, this book was recommended for those who liked the Harry Potter series. Well I loved the Harry Potter universe, but this magical world just wasn't...magical.

The story centres around the protagonist, Quentin Coldwater, who is searching for meaning in his life (to put things very loosely). He generally reads like an immature, depressed, entitled brat who isn't able to find satisfaction in anything or anyone. Sure, sometimes characters will start off like this, but generally they become a better version of themselves by the end of the book. Nope, not this guy; he still very much sucks just as much (if not more) than he did at the beginning. It was hard not to let the stupidness of Quentin get in the way of the storyline, but the storyline (which at the beginning seemed so full of potential) turned out to be weird and disappointing too. This isn't to say that there were no good parts at all (because there were a few), but the bad ones just outweighed the good.

Apparently this book is a book one of a trilogy, but I won't be reading the rest of them. 2/5 and this is me being generous.

Running Update Update

I did it! I jogged for 25 minutes straight and it was a success; Didn't need to stop at any point and basically jogged continuously for 3.5K! Sweet! Needless to say I was a sweaty mess when I walked through the front door, but I had a huge smile on my face and didn't feel like I was going to die so I'll take it. Yay!

Update: I went for a run in the evening and was supposed to do another 25 minutes straight jog again, but I couldn't do it. About 15 minutes in I was dying and had to take a walk break. Even though I wasn't able to do it I'm still glad I was out there instead of on the couch! Silver linings, silver linings.

Running Update

Yesterday I went for the longest run in the history of ever (for me). I was following my 5K running trainer thing and I just about died halfway through the first jogging section because the stupid street I was on kept going uphill, but I made it through. So far the longest I've jogged continuously has been 8 minutes, but for the next workout (I'm starting week 7 already!) I'm supposed to do 25 minutes. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it, but I'll just try my best and do as much as I can.

In other news I downloaded the Nike Running App on my phone and I love it! I may or may not have fist pumped the sky in victory when the app announced "5 kilometres" in my headphones. My first 5K! I did it!

Cookie Monster

I made 20 peanut butter-oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies yesterday. Yum! J ate one, K doesn't like them so she didn't eat any, and O doesn't have any teeth as of yet. As of right now there are 2 left. Oops.

In other news, I need to go for a run tonight...

Kyrie Eleison

Lord, have mercy on us.

Toxicity Be Gone

Someone in my life recently commented, "You know, you're not the same person you were ever since you got married," in the most non-complimentary of ways. This isn't the first time to have heard something like this from said person.

While this, and other statements like this, may once have caused the kind of reaction this person was hoping to get from me (read: guilt, shame), I actually took this statement to be a great compliment.

This year I will have been married for six years. S i x. In these six years I have become a mother of two, I have lost family members to disease and age, and I have had to deal with more than my share of drama drama drama (more often than not caused by the person who repeatedly states said comment and others like it). As a result of living life (read: growing up) I have lost some of my naivety, become a stronger person for it, and have come to the realization that the problem isn't so much that I am not the same person I was before (honestly, no one should be after this much time and the events that have taken place). No, the real problem is that someone else thinks that this is a problem; The greatest thing about this realization is knowing that this time, the problem is not mine. 

Boom.

Running Adventures: Update

It's been more than a month since I started running and today seems like a good time for an update. Good news: I'm still running! I've been generally going out at least 3 times a week since I started with the exception of a 2 week rest period (too eager + too soon = overused knee complete with knee pain). I'm still going through the C25K thing and so far things have been good (tiring, but good). I completed the first workout of week 4 on Tuesday and I'm super happy to report that I can now jog for 5 minutes straight! (I know this is nothing for a lot of people, but for someone who had no endurance and was barely able to run 60 seconds straight back in April, this is a big deal, lol.) Now this is progress.

Book Nook: Tell The Wolves I'm Home

Tell The Wolves I'm Home
Carol Rifka Brunt

Prior to this book, I had started two other books but didn't finish either of them because I couldn't get into their stories and then I got too bored to continue. Luckily, third time's a charm because this one got my attention from the first chapter until the very end and beyond. (Yup, I kept thinking about this one after I had finished it. It was like when I read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and all I could think about for the next three weeks was Sirius Black. True story.)

This novel is coming of age story that deals with grief, loneliness, insecurity, jealousy, relationships, family, and love. It centres around June, the protagonist, who loses her favourite uncle who was her best friend. This loss is central to the story but is not the whole story thanks to the introduction of other relationships that continually develop and evolve throughout the book. I was taken in by the characters and thought the storyline was well-crafted and thought out. The content itself is pretty heavy at times and covers a lot of ground, but it's done in a way where the reader isn't completely depressed and deflated after reading it. Instead, it's really touching and almost hopeful at times.

Overall, I'd give it a 4.5/5. Great read! I definitely recommend it, just maybe have some kleenex on hand...it'll likely make you teary.

Sew, Sew, Sew

I got my hands on a sewing machine (it used to belonged to J's mom) and now I've found a new hobby. Up until last week I hadn't touched a sewing machine for almost 20 years, but I was somehow able to remember how to thread it (my grade 8 home ec teacher would be so proud) and haven't looked back since! I started off by making a few bibs for O and then decided to up the ante and made a pair of pyjama pants for K. I never thought I'd be able to sew a pair of pants. I made a lot of mistakes, but they are pants through and through...and now I'll be able to do better next time. You live, you learn. (Thanks, Alanis.)

The Beauty of Womanhood

"Yet the vision [of womanhood] our culture offers is a sad consolation that exchanges the glory of feminine strength for a treadmill race to nowhere.  It squanders the kind of influence that is found primary in the soil of the home...And what does it offer in return? Women who strive against themselves, at war with the seeming redundancy of two X chromosomes, in a competition we were never made for, and in our hearts, don't really want to win. For when a women sets herself up alongside a man - as made for the same things and without distinction - the result is not uniformity, but rather, a reverse order. Indeed, in order for her to become like a man, he becomes less and less like one. And that's someone that most women, even the most ardent feminists, recoil at in their heart."

Excerpt taken from here.

Us For Them

"May our judgment be love." May You keep changing my heart to be more like Yours.

Running Adventures

I went for another run yesterday (who am I?!). I made sure to be more prepared compared to my first time around when I didn't even put on a hat and ended up coming home with a huge headache. I've been running in the evenings after putting my kids to sleep so by the time I get out it's actually quite chilly out. Yesterday I layered on another turtleneck and put on a toque...and was headache free when I came home (it's all about the little victories over here).

I went a little farther and my time was a bit better (although still slow by most people's standards, but whatever) so I'm quite happy about that. Overall, I'm feeling pretty good about things and I'm actually looking forward to my next run!

Run Sharon Run

I took my running shoes out for a run this weekend! Ok fine, it was more like a walk/jog combo if anything and according to my phone my time was terrible so maybe my jogging was actually more of a glorified walk, lol. Oh well, it's only up from here right?

Sneaker up!

I bought a pair of runners yesterday and I'm excited to put them to good use (and I hope this isn't just the novelty of the new shoes talking!). I'm not a runner by any means, but hey you've got to start somewhere. Unfortunately (or maybe conveniently) it snowed last night (what the heck, April?) so I'm going to wait for the stuff to melt and temperatures to warm up a bit before I take my shoes out for their inaugural run. (Ok, realistically I know it will be more walking than running and possibly more stopping to catch my breath than walking post trying-to-run; I'm more than a little out of shape, but that's ok...this is why I bought the shoes!)

Anyway, get your sneaks on. Let's do this!

Book Nook: The Martian

The Martian
Andy Weir

I watched the movie based on this book earlier this year and really liked it so I thought I'd give the book a try. Glad I did - turns out the book was even better (they usually are, no?)!

The Martian centres around the protagonist, Mark Watney, an astronaut who gets left behind on Mars after what can only be a described as the most unfortunate freak accident with the most unfortunate repercussions.  Watney proves to be clever and resourceful (and did I mention he was smart?) and the book basically describes how he (spoiler alert!) survives on his own until he is rescued.

This book was well-paced, action-packed, and so funny (Watney is such a smart ass, I loved it). Aside from the parts where it got a bit too technical and science-y for me (I initially tried to follow along, but eventually started just skimming over those sections trusting that whatever they were saying made sense to somebody), it was an overall entertaining and enjoyable read. 5/5.

Book Nook: When Breath Becomes Air

When Breath Becomes Air
Paul Kalanithi

I'm generally more of a fiction reader, but every so often a non-fiction book comes along and takes my breath away. Like this one.

I first heard about this book through a blog I follow and after reading her post (she was Kalanithi's sister-in-law) I immediately put a hold on a copy at the library. (Thankfully I got in before 'the masses' and was third in line - there's now a 70+ person wait!) It was worth the wait.

This memoir was written by an MD in his thirties who, during the final stages of his neurosurgery residency, was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer; he eventually died in March 2015 at the age of 37. It deals with really tough topics and he takes you through his thoughts about living and dying among other things, but everything is done so gracefully it's almost poetic at times. It's a well-written book which I thoroughly enjoyed reading from start to finish (the last paragraph and parts of the epilogue - written by his wife - literally made me weep). I whole heartedly recommend this book and I'm grateful that Kalanithi was able to write as much as he did. 5/5 for sure.

DIY Kitchen Play Board

I've been wanting to get K a kitchen play set for a while, but with space constraints in our cozy house compounded with prices I saw (over $100 for one? no thanks) I decided to look for alternatives. There are some great ideas floating around on the internet, but ultimately I just improvised and came up with something else: I found an old unused cork board and, coupled with some craft paint, breathed new life and purpose into our would-otherwise-be trash!

Here is what I did: I started with an regular old cork board, cleaned it up, gave it a fresh coat of yellow and white paint, used a crayon to sketch out my "kitchen" (two stove burners, knobs, a sink, and faucet), then did some more painting, and voila!

The board can easily be used on any surface since it's just a cork board so it sturdy and flat, and storing it is easy because of its narrow profile. Even better still, this project cost me nothing because everything I used I already had on hand (I could really get used to this whole repurposing thing!). 

However, the best part of this project was seeing K's reaction to it when she got home yesterday: she stopped in her tracks, pointed at it, and said, "Mommy, see?" At first she didn't realize what it was, but after showing her the ropes she was off washing and cooking up a vegetable storm in no time! Love that kid.

Anyway, I know it's super basic and doesn't have any of the bells and whistles that these $100+ kitchen stations have, but it's perfect for us and that's what counts. :)

Piano fingers no more

We stayed at my father-in-law's place last night thanks to our diva tankless water heater (ughh don't even get me started) and this morning I took the opportunity play some tunes for my littlest one on his piano since we don't have one at our house. Fortunately I can still play, but unfortunately I can't play very well anymore and I now suck. Thankfully O was a good sport about it and sat beside the piano in a rocker looking at me with an amused expression on her face for a good twenty minutes. Mission completed.

a full heart

I end most days with a sore back and a fried brain, but I'm thankful because I know my back is sore from holding my kids, and my brain is fried from trying to decode 2yo talk and 4 month old cries, so despite going to bed most nights feeling like I could sleep forever and still wake up not feeling refreshed, my heart is full. So very full. :)

Happy New Year!

There lyrics were literally on my heart as I ushered in this new year. As I reflect on these words and make them my prayer, I can't help but feel a bit anxious as to where this might lead; All the more reason to ask for deliverance I guess. Here's to 2016 and whatever it might bring, cheers!

Audrey Assad | I Shall Not Want

From the love of my own comfort

From the fear of having nothing

From a life of worldly passions

Deliver me, O God

From the need to be understood

From the need to be accepted

From the fear of being lonely

Deliver me, O God

Deliver me, O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want

When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

From the fear of serving others

From the fear of death or trial

From the fear of humility

Deliver me, O God

Deliver me, O God